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CONFERENCE!! Domestic Violence –Coordinating a Community Criminal Justice System Response |
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Thursday and Friday November 6 and 7, 2008 |
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COMMUNITY CONCERNS By Cindy Larson |
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The Perfect Victim. Wouldn’t our lives be tidier if we could justify punishing perpetrators of domestic violence by saying, “She’s such a nice person and a good wife. He shouldn’t treat her that way.”? What if she’s not a nice person? What if her personal habits are not only harmful to herself but to others as well? If she uses multiple unhealthy methods of coping with what is—or has been—happening to her, does it mean she’s a bad person? Perhaps a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault has a drinking or drug problem; perhaps she’s gone outside her marriage and engaged in an intimate relationship with another person; maybe she has a gambling addiction. Does that make her less victimized by violence? Within each community, there is a standard of behavior that is deemed “normal” and most people agree to follow the standard in living their daily lives. There are always a few people who fall outside the norm and refuse to follow such standards, but overall, most people want to fit into their community and therefore try to follow these unwritten “rules”. When it comes to victims of domestic violence, however, many communities want to set up a different set of rules wherein the actions of an abusive partner somehow justifies blaming the victim for his lack of control. “Well, he’s a nice guy. She must have done something to make him mad.” Have you ever heard that type of remark in conversation with someone? My question is, just where is the line that a woman has to cross to change from victim of a crime to the person responsible for the crime? (Drinks too much? House not clean enough? Kids misbehave? Take too many prescription medications? Dinner not ready when expected?) If women were responding to their male partner’s supposed transgressions with violence and abusiveness, would communities feel the same about it? Perhaps it is time to rethink how and why we assign blame in domestic violence situations and to begin to understand that the problem may run deeper than any of us ever thought it did. If we expect a different standard of behavior from women than we do from men, shouldn’t we ask ourselves why? Is it simply because our parents or grandparents did? This month, I encourage everyone to create a dialogue in their communities, churches and schools with family, neighbors, and friends about this issue. Let’s face it, there are no perfect victims, but there are many victims and most of them are women. If we accept the premise that any woman deserves to have violence used against her for any reason, then we have lost the battle to make a safer world for all of us. |
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OCTOBER IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH When October rolls around each year, and people hear that it’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month, most often it conjures up an image of a physically abused woman wearing sunglasses to cover up a black eye. But there are several other aspects of domestic violence that many people don’t think about, or even consider to be domestic violence, because they do not involve physical elements. Have you ever been in a store and heard someone verbally belittling their spouse or boy/girlfriend? Verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging to someone as physical abuse, yet because it does not leave visible marks on a person, is often considered much less serious. Verbal abuse falls into many categories, including: Abusive anger Threatening Blaming Criticizing Name-calling
Emotional Abuse through Words
*The Overbearing Opinion–Another person refuses to consider your opinion and forces you to always accept his or hers. *The Person Who is Always Right–Whenever there is a disagreement of any sort, this person always has to be right and have the last say. *The Judge and Jury–The person who incorporates harsh judgments of you as a person or your behavior as a way to produce personal shame and guilt. *The Put-Down Artist–The person who uses comments like “You’re crazy! How could anyone think such a stupid thing?” to devalue your decisions and feelings. *The Stand-Up Comic–The person whose use of sarcasm is meant to dig up past issues, drive home a point of view, or belittle you as an individual. *The Great Guilt-Giver–This person uses unrealistic and undeserved false guilt to control your behavior. *The Historian–The person who tells you you’re forgiven but then proceeds to bring up over and over again every past issue to shame you into accepting his or her decisions and feelings.
Emotional Abuse Through Actions
*The Commander-in-Chief–The person who desires to control every aspect of your life from your thoughts to your actions by rigid, militaristic behavior and expectations. *The Screamer–This is the person who uses screaming, yelling, and name-calling as weapons to control you. *The Intimidator–Intimidation, fear, anger, and inappropriate threats are used by this person to get his or her way. *The Roller-Coaster–This person’s moods and behavior swing from one extreme to another, removing any sense of safety and consistency from your relationship. *The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde–There is a public persona and a private persona that are distinctly different from each other, with the public person using a false front to mask his or her true nature. *The Person Who Plays Favorites–This person displays the “Why can’t you be more like…?” favoritism, making it clear that you do not measure up to some other person. *The Wrath of God–The person who misuses Scripture to get his or her own way and who equates his or her own opinion with that of God. |
