One of the most frustrating aspects about domestic violence to people who have never experienced it or who don't have training on the dynamics of D.V. is the inevitable question of "why does she stay?".  The reasons are complicated and many; ranging from finances to lack of self esteem to even love.  Below are some of the reasons that a lot of women are hesitant to leave an abusive situation.

      It may be familiar, and oddly enough, a comfortable lifestyle.

      Not realizing it is "abuse."

      "No one else would ever love me."

      "I deserved it; I'll do better."

      "I can keep it from happening again."

      "He's really sorry, and it won't happen again."

      "I know I make him sound terrible, but he's
       really a good person most of the time."

      "He didn't mean to hurt me."

      "No one else understands him the way I do."

      "But I love him."

      "He isn't hurting the children;
       if he ever did, I'd leave."

      "I can't support the children on my own."

      "He'll kill me if I try to leave him."

Situational Factors

1.   Emotional dependence

2.   Fear of greater physical danger to themselves and their children if they attempt to leave

3.   Fear of emotional damage to children

4.   Fear of losing custody of children

5.   Lack of alternative housing

6.   Lack of job skills

7.  Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family or friends and lack of information regarding alternatives

8.   Fear of involvement in court processes

  9.   Cultural and religious constraints

  10.   Fear of retaliation

  11.   Having no money - abuser controls finances

Emotional Factors

  1.   Fear of loneliness

2.   Insecurity over potential independence and lack of emotional support

3.   Guilt about failure of marriage or relationship

4.   Fear that husband/partner is not able to survive alone

5.   Belief that husband/partner will change

   6.   Ambivalence and fear over making formidable life changes    

Back to Domestic Violence Topics