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A BATTERED WOMAN CAN GO THROUGH MAY STAGES, INCLUDING: |
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I. Denial of Assault to Oneself and Others A. Characteristics 1. Typical victim response - I couldn't believe it was happening to me; try to forget it; it's painful. 2. Assault begins gradual - escalates - excuse it - just slapped me, just pushed me - if not maimed, not important. 3. Double bind - don't identify because- have to be dumb- masochistic, provoker, poor, etc, to be battered woman (society myth). 4. shame and fear - don't talk about. B. Tasks of women during this stage 1. Admit to herself that she is abused, that it's serious enough to do something about. 2. Overcome shame to point out that she can seek help. C. Facilitate these tasks. Climate of community - public education and info to effect that: 1. Woman abuse is extremely widespread - 25-50% married women. 2. Pattern of abuse is of increasing intensity and frequency, doesn't go away. 3. Help is available which is effective and respectful of personhood. II. Blaming Oneself and Hoping for Change A. Three broad reasons for self-blame 1. Past experiences produced low self-esteem that she thinks she deserves to be beaten (sometimes can say this consciously) childhood abuse, abandonment, death of parent, etc. 2. Everyone else blames them, family, friends, husbands, helping persons, professionals. B. Tasks of woman during this stage 1. Recognize in no sense does she deserve to be beaten- intellectual understanding will come before emotional understanding, may see it easier about another person, see it's common for women to blame selves, work on past. 2. Put responsibility for violence where it belongs - on man, must understand her part in conflict, and relationship, but not as provoker of violence; needs to talk about relationship and what she has done in it. 3. Understand factors which influence her to stay in relationship. a) economic b) no place to go c) identify as wife and mother, may be her main identity love for husband - Jekyll & Hyde e) emotional dependence - battering isolates woman either because men want it or women ashamed f) feels sorry for a man - responsible for helping g) her responsibility to keep family together h) religion 4. Understand emotional reactions a) extreme fear b) degradation - shame, especially when sexual abuse c) anger built up, no effective way of expressing it anger--------guilty -- anger anger--------depression, may get suicidal anger--------anxiety d) stress reaction -emotional and physical exhaustion -illness, no sleep, eating, dependency on alcohol, -withdrawal -survival all that matters III. Seeking Help A. Help that's available ---and effect on woman 1. Experience is that most help doesn't help very much - problems multiply. 2. If they can’t help me, must be something really wrong with me, experience is damaging. IV. Ambivalence A. To get husband involved in marriage counseling and/or help for himself 1. Few men want it - 7 out of 130 in one study. 2. No accurate statistics about its effect- Don Saunders - 35% 3. Reports from women - only during long term therapy did beating stop, wears off and beatings start again. 4. If therapy is to be effective, must meet conditions. a) man must want help for himself not just to save relationship. b) take responsibility for own violence - deal with past and present factors which influence him to express it. c) be willing for long-term individual therapy as well as marriage counseling. d) women must be willing to do individual therapy too. e) counselor must be competent - are: 1) willing to work with couple while separated 2) willing to use legal system - encourage woman to protect self 3) insist violence stop immediately 4) no talk of woman provoking it 5. Why include it as an option? a) women want it - must be self-determining b) may allow woman to feel less responsible for man taking care of her c) small number of men do want it d) may help-even if divorce is outcome, especially where children are involved CONTINUED ……….
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