A battered woman can go through many stages, including:

I. Denial of Assault to Oneself and Others

A. Characteristics
    1. Typical victim response - I couldn't believe it was happening to me; try to forget         it;         it's painful.                                                                                   
    2. Assault begins gradual - escalates - excuse it - ­just slapped me,
        just pushed me - if not maimed, not important.                                      
    3. Double bind - don't identify because- ­have to be dumb- masochistic, provoker,
         poor, etc, to be battered woman (society myth)                   
    4. Shame and fear - don't talk about.

B. Tasks of women during this stage
    1. Admit to herself that she is abused, that it's serious enough to do something         about.
    2. Overcome shame to point out that she can seek help.

C. Facilitate these tasks.
     Climate of community - public education and info to effect that:
    1. Woman abuse is extremely widespread - 25-50% married women.
    2. Pattern of abuse is of increasing intensity and frequency, doesn't go away.
    3. Help is available which is effective and respectful of personhood.




II.Blaming Oneself and Hoping for Change

A.  Three broad reasons for self-blame
    1. Past experiences produced low self-esteem that she thinks she deserves to be         beaten (sometimes can say this consciously) childhood abuse, abandonment,         death of parent, etc. )
    2. Everyone else blames them, family, friends, husbands, helping persons,         professionals.

B. Tasks of woman during this stage

     1. Recognize in no sense does she deserve to be beaten- intellectual          understanding will ome before emotional understanding, may see it easier          about another person, see it's common for women to blame selves, work on          past.

     2. Put responsibility for violence where it belongs - on man, must understand her          part in conflict, and relationship, but not as provoker of violence; needs to talk          about relationship and what she has done in it.

    3. Understand factors which influence her to stay in relationship.
        a) economic
        b) no place to go
        c) identify as wife and mother, may be her main identity love for husband -             Jekyll & Hyde
        d) emotional dependence - battering isolates woman either because men want             it or women ashamed
        e) feels sorry for a man - responsible for helping
        f) her responsibility to keep family together
        g) religion

     4. Understand emotional reactions
        a)  extreme fear
        b)  degradation - shame, especially when sexual abuse
        c) anger built up, no effective way of expressing it
                anger--------guilty -- anger
                anger--------depression, may get suicidal
                anger--------anxiety
        d) stress reaction
            -emotional and physical exhaustion
            -illness, no sleep, eating, dependency on alcohol
            -withdrawal
            -survival all that matters



III. Seeking Help

A. Help that's available ---and effect on woman
    1. Experience is that most help doesn't help very much - problems multiply.
    2. If they can’t help me, must be something really wrong with me, experience is         damaging.



IV. Ambivalence

A.  To get husband involved in marriage counseling and/or help for himself
    1. Few men want it - 7 out of 130 in one study.
    2.  No accurate statistics about its effect- Don Saunders - 35%
    3.  Reports from women - only during long term therapy did beating stop,           wears off and beatings start again.
     4.  If therapy is to be effective, must meet conditions.
           a) man must want help for himself not just to save relationship.
           b) take responsibility for own violence - deal with past and present factors                which influence him to express it.
           c) be willing for long-term individual therapy as well as marriage counseling.
           d) women must be willing to do individual therapy too.
           e) counselor must be competent - are:
           1) willing to work with couple while separated
           2) willing to use legal system - encourage woman to protect self
           3) insist violence stop immediately
           4) no talk of woman provoking it
    5.       Why include it as an option?
           a) women want it - must be self-determining
           b) may allow woman to feel less responsible for man taking care of her
           c) small number of men do want it
           d) may help-even if divorce is outcome, especially where children are involved
     6. Tasks of women who choose it as option.
           a) realistic understanding of above; success figures rather low
           b) realize takes long time, pain & money sometimes
           c) willing to look at herself and her part in conflict
           d) find-competent counselor and be willing to switch
           e) best chance if she views therapy as chance for personal growth, whether                or not stays in relationship

B. Going in and out of relationship.

     1. Why do women eventually leave? 4 conditions
           a) fear they will be killed or maimed
           b) fear for children's physical and emotional well being
           c) to some degree solve reality problems (parenting, housing, financial               survival, physical protection, legal aid)
           d) builds up self-esteem and self-confidence
    2.  Characteristics of pattern
          a) very common (est. 80-90%)
          b) "naturally" occurring pattern
          c) result of lack of support systems as well as confusion
          d) has both harmful and beneficial effects on woman
          e) when misunderstood, causes much hostility toward abused women
          f) behavior pattern has particular emotional process
          g)  each woman acts pattern out in own way
    3.  Emotional process associated with going in and out is increased polarization of           feelings, feeling "double binded" confused, immobilized resolution.
    4.  Tasks of woman during this stage.
          a) understand the pattern; see it as natural, sort through feelings as she acts               it out
          b) get aid and support in solving 5 reality problems
                    1) parenting
                    2) housing
                    3) financial survival
                    4) protection from abuse and harassment
                    5) legal aid for separation, divorce, custody
          c) build self-esteem and self-confidence
                    1) make emotional connection with supportive person
                    2) end emotional dependence on abusing male
                    3) overcome fear of unknown
                    4) learn how to strengthen self in healthy ways
                    5) learn how to give self pleasure



V. Living non-violently

A. Remaining in relationship.

    1. Real change has taken place
           a) no more violence
           b) both parties feel increasingly comfortable gradual, steady improvement
    2. Work with woman in helping her to assess the change
    3. Help her identify danger signals (old behavior patterns which indicate help         needs to be sought again)
          B) Ending relationship and contending with problems
                   1) Women need continued support.
                   2) May have variety of emotional reactions, now that the need to deal                        with constant stress is over, especially in dealing with anger,                        relations with men, and identify questions.
                   3) May then want to no longer be associated with battered women for a                         while - needs a new identification in life.
                   4) May or may not want to volunteer, do domestic violence work.