“Why Won’t They Just Leave?"

This question, even when asked with good intentions, can actually do more harm than good. It puts the blame on the victim by asking why they won’t leave when we should be asking the abuser why they continue to hurt and abuse someone they claim to love. Why is it more acceptable to blame the victim instead of putting the blame where it should be – on the person who is abusive?
Unfortunately, it’s not always safe or in the best interest of the victim to just pack up and leave their situation, at least not right away without some essential safety planning, help with logistics and non-judgmental support from others. For a lot of victims, their abuser has manipulated and threatened them so much to where they feel extremely isolated and trapped, fearing for not only their own lives, but the lives of their families, children, and their pets. People typically have a tough time understanding the victim’s situation or their thought processes. From the outside, it may look like there’s an immediate, obvious, and rational solution. To the victim, it is much more complicated. It can be difficult to comprehend the extent of coercive control and problematic hurdles victims face in getting out, not to mention the complex feelings they have to work through constantly. There is a multifaceted list of reasons as to why a victim might not be willing or able to leave their abuser. For starters, victims know and are acutely aware of what their abuser is capable of, and any thought of escaping feels like a death sentence. In fact, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when a victim is attempting to leave. That is when he or she is most likely to be killed by the abuser. One particular study found men who were guilty of murdering their wives, did so because their wives threatened to leave them, or the actual event of separation preceded the murder. Victims also worry about the wellbeing of their pets, the custody and safety of their children, suffering financial ruin, and so on. Here are a few other invisible barriers which keep victims of domestic violence from leaving their abusive situations:

• They have low self-esteem and feel ashamed and/or like a failure.
  
• Victims tend to deny, minimize, and rationalize the abuse. They have been made to feel responsible or they deserve the abuse, i.e., gaslighting.
• Victims may not have support or understanding from any family members or friends.
• Victims may see probable hardships of single parenting and the financial strain involved.
• The abuser may threaten to take full custody of the children, sometimes using law enforcement and/or child protective services involvement to further control their outcome.
• Sometimes the abuser will claim to be suicidal as a way to prevent the victim from leaving.
• Abusers often withhold essential items needed to leave, such as cell phones, medications, debit/credit cards, keys, ID’s, insurance cards, etc.
• Victims may not have financial means of taking care of themselves, whether it’s with a job, cash tucked away, a bank account, or assets.
• They might not have any means of transportation.
• They may feel they have nowhere to go, and there are real fears of ending up homeless.
• Victims may be uneducated/unaware of the help and support they could be getting.
• The victim may experience a confusion of emotions due to good memories mixed with bad ones. They may still feel love for the abuser, and they can help and/or change the abuser for the better.
• Due to their beliefs or religion, they may feel they cannot divorce their spouse.
• There might also be false assumptions in which a household with two parents is better than one, even with domestic violence present.
• They also may have a lack of help from law enforcement, both past and present.
  
  

Hi-Line’s Help for Abused Spouses is a non-profit organization which has always been committed to breaking the cycle of violence by giving a voice and support to survivors and their families, providing immediate confidential crisis intervention, critical support services and numerous resources to victims of violence. We network in communities throughout our service area year-round promoting partnerships, education, awareness, and fundraising. Please listen, show your support, and never blame the victim. If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence in immediate danger, call 911. If you need an advocate, contact HLHAS at 406-278-3342, on our 24-hour Crisis Line at 1-800-219-7336, or stop by our office located at 300 N. Virginia St, Ste #307, Conrad, MT 59425.